I soooooo need to run hotter. And satellites are evil, those are the twin topics of this discussion.

Play a $120 satellite and play it quite well, thank you. Nevertheless I bust 4th but manage to get my buyin back from a save, but still.

Play a $280. These are the good ones as they pay money you can actually notice. Luckbox directly to my left triples up on hand #2, by somehow dodging like 3/4 of the deck with his tens. But I'm cranking too, and get myself a stack just like his. Then I make a couple of "just the wrong side of good judgment" judgment calls. We're three-handed, and I have nearly half the chips in play. I've got tens in the BB. Luckbox next to me raises my blind. SB then pushes. I grudgingly fold my tens, and luckbox folds too. I decided that I had no need to race and the worst case scenario by folding is that nothing really changes. OK, good, I feel like a grown up for making a good decision.

A tad later I find out that luckbox won't chop. So now I'm rooting for the other guy.

Exact same scenario as above happens again- lucky raises, SB pushes, I have tens. Now this time I really should have made the call, but I stuck to the same analysis I made the first time (chips were about the same). This time though I just should've done it. SB knows that lucky is likely making a move so his range is wider; he'd push with any pair here. Sure enough, they end up all in, lucky has Q9o and SB has 77. Lucky hits his 9. I would've won the hand, which means I either win the whole satellite right there or I have lucky about 13k to his 2k and we go heads up. Fuck me.

Other guy busts soon after that; he goes in with AJ and lucky calls with A5. I had a 5 too. Ace on the flop, 5 on the river. Great, so now I'm going heads up with the guy who won't chop, has been hitting all night, and has me better than 3:2 in chips.

Heads up play lasted all of one hand. I made another of those "just on the wrong side of good judgment" calls. I start in the BB with KJo. Blinds are 400/800 now (which makes lucky's decision to not chop all the more stupid), he has 9k and change to my just under 6k. He limps on the button and I think raise but end up just checking. I can make good arguments for both, but as before I made the wrong choice. Flop is T98 w/two clubs, I check, he bets 800, I shove. He calls with 6c3c. Misses his flush, hits the 6. Acts kind of like a dick as I slink away. I raise preflop and I win it right there, and we play another one.

I played a decompression $120 satellite after that, lost without winning a hand. Raise preflop with KJs, cont. bet on a AQ2 flop, dummy calls, I give up. He has 43 and hits a 3 on the turn. A perfect example of how well things have been going.

Here's how to drop $2k in 2 hours in the stupidest game on earth (the Commerce $400 5/10 NL, of course).

1. Sit at a completely retarded table.

2. Get coolered. Repeat.

3. Don't profit!

Lets see...just got there, AA in the SB, call a button raise because I know it's going to be 3-handed no matter what, so no need to reraise. Flop is some junk, check with the intention to checkraise the living shit out of the button. It checks around. Turn is a third diamond (I have red aces). Bet $100. Limper calls. Button raises to $300. I have $400 total. Yay me, I let him hit some wacky flush, probably. But I push anyway, as does the other guy, and the board pairs on the river. Limper has 33 (hit a set on the turn, boat on the river), button has KdTd. I lose my stack because I wanted to build a stack as I just got there.

KJo on the button, limp after everyone. Flop is KQ3, complete and utter donkey (middle aged Russianish and yet he's wearing sunglasses and his hood up) bets $55 from UTG, complete and utter donkey #2 calls, I raise it to $200. I have $400 total. Donk #1 calls, donk #2 calls. Turn is some junk, I push. They both call. I'm up against K9o from donk #1 and AA from donk #2. 9 on the river makes donk #1 squeal like a little girl. Another stack gone. And a fine job there being the third limper with AA.

Donk #2 blind raises UTG to $20 (can't straddle here). I'm next and make it $80 with AJo. He calls, we're heads up to a flop of JT8. He checks, I bet $125. He checkraises to $350. I tilt the rest of my stack in, sure enough he has Q9o. I pick up a flush draw on the turn but I don't run like a donk so I miss. Time to go home.

What do all these hands have in common? They would play 100% differently if the game was a REAL poker game where people could buy in for more than $400. Meanwhile I couldn't be running worse and now I'm making mistakes along with it. Yay.

Eli... this journal is sad, great, funny and noteworthy.. I enjoyed your analysis at the now barren UPF ...

A bona fide feel-good story considering how badly I've been running this month:

Back at the Bike after a month at Dante's 7th layer, the Commerce Casino. Home sweet home. Buy in for $3000 at the 5/10 game (movin' up, I used to buy in for $2k). Several hands in, it's showtime with AA in EP. I raise it to $50 and get two callers. Flop is J73 rainbow- not too shabby. I bet out $100, donkey on the button calls. I already know he's a donkey even though I just got there because his donk moves:minutes ratio is running about 1:1. Turn is an 8, I bet $200, he calls. River is an ace, I bet $400, he calls. I table my set of aces, guy next to me says "you didn't need that river, he shows me 87. I needed that river. And thanks for calling with second pair on the flop and for not raising me on the turn.

Donkey thinks I'm the luckbox, of course, and I wouldn't have it any other way. A while later I get my second shot at him. He raises to $60 from LP, I repop it to $200 in the blinds with AK. He calls (duh). Flop is A55. I bet out $250 into the $400 pot, he pushes for $1100. I call, I win. I believe he had A9. Sounds like a $200 hand to me!

He leaves in a huff but locks the seat. When he comes back he asks me if I have a nickname, like "Pocket Aces." I say no (and on the inside I sarcastically congratulate him on his cleverness), but if he wants to call me Pocket Aces that's fine by me. I own him.

But he moves to the main game and that's the last we'll hear of him.

Another fun one: AQo on the button, I call a $60 raise and we're three ways to a flop of AQx, with two clubs. It checks to me and I bet $125. SB calls. Turn is the , so the flush draw just got there. Check/check. River is a fourth club. He checks to me, I bet $200 with my now nut flush that used to be top two pair. He says "I think I have you but I don't know how you play (he just got there), I call." So I table my hand, the . Typo? No. I thought I had the nuts, all I actually have is top two pair on a 4-flush board. The beauty of it is that IT'S GOOD. He's got KQ, no clubs. So there's a $200 error in my favor since there's zero chance I bet that river otherwise.

I get moved to the main game and suck ass for hours. At my peak I was ahead $2800, I end up leaving +$1600. No big losses, just enough of those $100-$200 hands that go south. Still, the way I've been going, that's a huge psychic victory.