Well, after a couple more baddish sessions I think I'm gonna wrap this week up a day early and take tomorrow off. The good news is that I can probably forego a cashout this week as the checking account is looking pretty decent. The bad news is:
Hours played :36:36
End Result : -1443
Hourly rate : -39.43/hour
Great Scott! My mood is actually pretty steady right now. That may be a sign of maturation, because I know that I spent almost all of the week in an extremely bad run. I also know that my play wasn't always very solid, but even there I usually had the discipline to either quit playing, or at least look at my play analytically rather than emotionally. So maybe it's maturation, or maybe it's just an element of shock, what Caro calls the threshold of misery, meaning that after a certain point the situation seems so hopeless that you're numb to the losses. I certainly hope that's not the case here!
Like I said, my mood is pretty decent right now because I still have slightly over 2K in the bankroll, the bills are paid for the month, I'll be getting a nice rake rebate in a few days, and I feel pretty good about my play. I've certainly been in worse spots. But I will admit that last night, my mood was a bit less than good. Devestated might be a better word. A lot of that had to do with the large quantity of whiskey I downed after booking another loss.
Liquor sometimes has a tendency to turn me into a very moody and miserable person. Last night's bleak and drunken revelation had to do with the state of my current life as it relates to poker. If you've been following, you know that I've been booking a lot of hours in addition to working at the gas station, so my social life hasn't been very active. My general mindset has been that I'm willing to make some short-term sacrifices in the interest of being able to build my bankroll and move up in limits, so that I'd then have enough money coming in that I wouldn't have to play so much.
For the first couple weeks, this worked because I was winning a good bit. But yesterday, halfway through a bottle of Jim Beam, the following bleak thought his me: that during my best of times, I'm nothing more than a guy who makes a lot of money playing poker. So what does that make me during the losing stretches? Basically a guy with no life, no visible contribution to the human race, and I lose money for good measure. Extremely depressing.
Now don't worry, I'm sober now and therefore no longer have such disturbing thoughts. I realize that you don't have to be a doctor or a scientist or whatever to make the world a better place...just spreadin a little joy and laughter is enough. But I do realize that there is a kernel of truth in those depressing alcohol-induced thoughts, that being a pro poker player can really make your life seem worthless; especially, of course, when you're losing. Which is why part of me is really glad I did go back to my old job. As much as I've been grumbling ever since I went back there, it does prevent me from being a shut in, and keeps me a part of the human race.
Wow, I really went on a fucking rant there. I apologize if that came off as morose or depressing, because to me it's actually pretty uplifting in a twisted sort of way. I think I've really learned a good bit about both poker and life this past week, and although I'd have preferred to pay a bit less than $1443 for those lessons, I still think I got a pretty good bargain
Current limit : 3-6
Current Bankroll : 2063
-TW